I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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