Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
