why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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