No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
