I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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