Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
