Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
