I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i love accidental penises.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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