So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
