Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
