How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
