Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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