she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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