i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
