Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
