3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
