I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Randomize
