Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I had to cum in my sink.
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