Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
