a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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