I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
