Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
