he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
