3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
