i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
