I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
