I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
