I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
