Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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