Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Randomize
