I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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