I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
