i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
