Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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