Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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