Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The feeling are messing with the penis
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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