Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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