Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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