Well douche your snatch and let's go!
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
