I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
