can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
pray to the hookup gods
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
