May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
