No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
