if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
