I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
