Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
