Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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