Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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