I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I can't put those talents on a resume
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
