i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
