If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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