right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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