I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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