I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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