You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
