I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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