dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I party with great urgency now.
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